Anita is the Deputy Director of Legal Education at the Singapore Academy of Law (SAL). She leads its Legal Industry Framework for Training and Education (LIFTED) initiative. LIFTED is an industry-level, globally-oriented initiative to help legal practitioners, in-house counsels and allied legal professionals develop competencies needed to thrive in a rapidly-changing legal services landscape. Anita has been Deputy Director of the Singapore Institute of Legal Education (SILE), responsible for policy and operational aspects of the mandatory continuing professional development scheme for legal practitioners in Singapore. She is currently a member of its Programmes Committee. She has also been Legal and IP Director for the Asia offices of an international publisher. Anita holds degrees in Law and in Literary Studies from the National University of Singapore.
This letter is written to Anita in her first year of law school in 1997 on the occasion of World Mental Health Day on 10 October.
Important Note: The contents of this letter may be triggering for some. If you are in crisis or any other kind of medical emergency, call your doctor or 995 immediately. If you are not in Singapore, please contact your local emergency or health care helpline.
Dear me,
To hurt is to know that pain is real. Right now, the psychological hurt you are experiencing seems insurmountable. Dad is gone. He was supposed to be here to walk the law school journey with you. But he is not. The grief that you packed away, tightly and (you thought) securely, just months before your ‘A’ levels, so that you could focus on the task at hand and do well enough to get into law school as you both had always planned – that grief has grown strong and vicious. It now leaves marks – angry red welts hidden from view.
You are about to start a four-year journey of self-discovery that I am tempted to spare you from. But that would mean losing some valuable lessons that will steer you to your purpose. So instead, I offer some hope and encouragement.
You are enough
Law school can be a brutal place for someone who has felt that they never quite fit in. It amplifies the insecurities you have always felt. You are a little odd. You are a little inconsistent. You are a little too spirited. You have too many opinions. You have lost your best friend and your anchor. You are just about the only person from your junior college in your cohort, and in assimilating you are becoming less and less recognisable to yourself.
What you are feeling, you will learn some day, is imposter syndrome. Too many are plagued by this form of self-doubt. Many are young girls and women. While that sense of never measuring up will never quite go away, you will learn that you are enough. You will make a few friends in law school who will remind you of that and you will have the love of a family that never doubted it. And, one day, you will accept that you are enough because you will realise that it is a choice – so why choose otherwise?
You just have a ‘sprained brain’
Your grief is affecting your brain chemistry. The chemical imbalance manifests as increased moodiness and despair, an inability to sleep or the need to sleep all the time, disinterest in the things and people around you, and desperate attempts to conceal and self-soothe with the edge of a blade. Red flags for a serious depressive episode. You will learn that just like a sprained ankle will cause physical pain and limit your physical performance, a sprained brain (as a famous musician will describe it many years later) will hobble your mind and cause emotional anguish.
But you think it is you that is broken, defective, flawed. You don’t yet understand the difference between being the problem and having a problem. And so the shame will start to build, and the self-harm will start to escalate. Yet, all the time it will seem – almost – like everything is perfectly fine on the outside. Until one day, it is not.
So ask for help
It will take landing up in hospital in your fourth and final year of law school for you to get the help you needed but did not know how to ask for. Your ‘high-functioning’ bout with depression is unfortunately too common. Your grades, while not as stellar as they could be, are good enough not to cause concern at school. Your ability to socialise with a smile is convincing enough to your friends. Your personal life is private enough that the meltdowns are witnessed only by a few who feel powerless to help.
But you will hit the bottom and, in that moment, also break the surface. You will realise with startling clarity that the desire to not feel pain is not the same as the desire to die. In that moment, you will give yourself up to the care, concern and expertise of others that you did not know how to consciously ask for or surrender to. And, slowly but surely, after some starts and stumbles, you will heal. You will thrive.
Then help others
Your own experience with a depressive episode will help you realise the importance of having an ecosystem of support for the sufferer and for those who walk with them – family, friends, healthcare professionals, colleagues and employers. You will find your purpose in education and, within that, advocate for the centrality of intrapersonal intelligence in professional development. After all, “things fall apart [when] the centre cannot hold”.
You will find opportunities to help friends and colleagues as they encounter mental health challenges of their own. You will meet those who have had journeys of their own, and who have the generosity to share so that others might learn. You will eventually arrive at a point where you can tell your story without shame; with the optimism that it will help someone out there feel less alone, less scared, and give them the means to ask for help, to heal and then to thrive.
And be thankful for it all
Your family will be your safe harbour. Always. Don’t ever doubt that. Along the way, you will encounter inspiring mentors, kind colleagues, understanding friends. You will realise that there will always be haters and they will hate. But you will also learn that what you admit into your life is a choice, as is what you give. And you will be thankful for all that has happened in your life, your precious life, for you to realise that.
Love,
You
Resources (information correct as at 8 Oct 2020)
If you are feeling anxious, depressed, distressed, out of control or have suicidal thoughts or know someone who is feeling this way, please contact any of the following (a fuller list is available at https://www.imh.com.sg/wellness/page.aspx?id=1245):
Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1800-221-4444, 24 hours; or
Institute of Mental Health at +65-6389-2222, 24 hours; or
Singapore Association of Mental Health (SAMH) at 1800-283-7019, Mon-Fri 9am to 6pm (after hours by SOS)